Kevin's Random Thoughts
Friday, August 20, 2004
Tomorrow is a big day...
Chris gets married tomorrow. I should be in bed getting sleep for the big day. I have to be alert when I park those cars and shakes those hands and stand there acting like I know what I'm doing. But I can't sleep. Not yet.
Chris is really happy. And I'm happy for him. It's no secret I was against his getting married. Not to Meaghan, but so soon. In my mind, I kept thinking they don't know each other and it won't work. And Chris would be left in shambles. And even though I would be there, I don't want to be. But I think that was needless worrying now. They just seem so happy.
Happiness is a funny thing. I do believe most everyone find happiness in one form or another. For some it does take longer than others. But it will happen. Unfortunately, most people go through a time or times of unhappiness before hand. A lot of my friends are going through such a time. It's probably an age thing. But they'll all find happiness. So will I. Eventually.
But I look back. Since the time that I lost my innocence (and by which I don't mean virginity, I mean when I realised what life is), I have only been truely happy in two brief periods. Of sure I have good times, but in the end I don't feel happy overall. Except for when: a) I was going though wrestling training for the first time, and b) the summer of 2003.
When I first started doing training, I believed in myself. I thought it was the first step to living my dream. I was focused, and so were all of my friends in training. We had a goal. It didn't really pan out for us, but I think the effort of trying to get there is worth not getting there. I was also doing well in school for the only semester in my four and half years there. I was pulling solid Bs in everything. And my time spent with my friends in Fredericton was great. Ken was an awesome room mate. Bill hadn't gone psycho yet. Eric didn't turn into an asshole yet. Jon and Brian were happy with their girlfriends at the time (Brian is still with his, bless 'em). And Hovey G was a stud. I remember when I thought I might leave school, Jon and Nicole got me a card wishing me luck and telling me they admired me for going after my dream. I still have that card somewhere.
The summer of 2003 was great, and I didn't even wrestle. After I got back from making that God aweful movie, I quit my landscaping job and worked at Butterfly World. I had zero stress there. I did whatever I felt like, and my boss thought I was a great employee. My coworkers were a blast. I was totally into watching The Boys play every Monday. And I had a lot of sex. I hate bringing it up, but first there was Meaghan. Then after her I spent time with Amanda. Nothing physical happened (not even a kiss) but she's my intellectual match. She was some I could actually be smart around. I didn't have to play the idiot like I do with most people. And then, I met Myah.
The biggest mistake of my life. Not getting together with her, mind you. Letting her go. I will never forgive myself. At the time, I was dumb enough to think my player lifestyle would extend beyond a few months. I encouraged her to not get attached and find someone else. If the event that she did, it would be no big deal. I'd find someone else. What a mistake. And it didn't even totally bother me right away. I had developped a lot of feelings for her once I moved back, and felt rejected when she started seeing Mark, but I let it go. After a few weeks, I realised I missed her, there were more feelings that I realised, and the thing with Mark was working out; she wasn't coming back. And it hurt.
It still hurts. I don't want to be this way. I hate guys who are idiots like this. But here I am. Hurting. Wishing. I know there's no point. She's happy with another guy. And if something should happen there, I couldn't go back with her. Not after this. Not after I let her know. Then I'm just a hanger on. I'm not an equal. I'm a play toy. But I would still do it.
Getting back to hapiness... I'm not happy. I'm usually not. But I deal with it. That's life. People who don't deal with shit like everyone else because they think they're so damn special and should get special unhappiness treatment piss me off. Get over yourself. Put your drugs down. Take that knife off your wrists. Shut your whinny mouth. You're no differant than the rest of us who aren't happy. Fuck off and deal with it. If we can do it, so you can you. You're not better or worse or special. Just deal.
I needed to get that out before tomorrow. I don't want to be down on such a special day for two special people who have found the happiness we all seek. They're happy, and in turn, that adds to my journey to be happy.
Good night.
Chris gets married tomorrow. I should be in bed getting sleep for the big day. I have to be alert when I park those cars and shakes those hands and stand there acting like I know what I'm doing. But I can't sleep. Not yet.
Chris is really happy. And I'm happy for him. It's no secret I was against his getting married. Not to Meaghan, but so soon. In my mind, I kept thinking they don't know each other and it won't work. And Chris would be left in shambles. And even though I would be there, I don't want to be. But I think that was needless worrying now. They just seem so happy.
Happiness is a funny thing. I do believe most everyone find happiness in one form or another. For some it does take longer than others. But it will happen. Unfortunately, most people go through a time or times of unhappiness before hand. A lot of my friends are going through such a time. It's probably an age thing. But they'll all find happiness. So will I. Eventually.
But I look back. Since the time that I lost my innocence (and by which I don't mean virginity, I mean when I realised what life is), I have only been truely happy in two brief periods. Of sure I have good times, but in the end I don't feel happy overall. Except for when: a) I was going though wrestling training for the first time, and b) the summer of 2003.
When I first started doing training, I believed in myself. I thought it was the first step to living my dream. I was focused, and so were all of my friends in training. We had a goal. It didn't really pan out for us, but I think the effort of trying to get there is worth not getting there. I was also doing well in school for the only semester in my four and half years there. I was pulling solid Bs in everything. And my time spent with my friends in Fredericton was great. Ken was an awesome room mate. Bill hadn't gone psycho yet. Eric didn't turn into an asshole yet. Jon and Brian were happy with their girlfriends at the time (Brian is still with his, bless 'em). And Hovey G was a stud. I remember when I thought I might leave school, Jon and Nicole got me a card wishing me luck and telling me they admired me for going after my dream. I still have that card somewhere.
The summer of 2003 was great, and I didn't even wrestle. After I got back from making that God aweful movie, I quit my landscaping job and worked at Butterfly World. I had zero stress there. I did whatever I felt like, and my boss thought I was a great employee. My coworkers were a blast. I was totally into watching The Boys play every Monday. And I had a lot of sex. I hate bringing it up, but first there was Meaghan. Then after her I spent time with Amanda. Nothing physical happened (not even a kiss) but she's my intellectual match. She was some I could actually be smart around. I didn't have to play the idiot like I do with most people. And then, I met Myah.
The biggest mistake of my life. Not getting together with her, mind you. Letting her go. I will never forgive myself. At the time, I was dumb enough to think my player lifestyle would extend beyond a few months. I encouraged her to not get attached and find someone else. If the event that she did, it would be no big deal. I'd find someone else. What a mistake. And it didn't even totally bother me right away. I had developped a lot of feelings for her once I moved back, and felt rejected when she started seeing Mark, but I let it go. After a few weeks, I realised I missed her, there were more feelings that I realised, and the thing with Mark was working out; she wasn't coming back. And it hurt.
It still hurts. I don't want to be this way. I hate guys who are idiots like this. But here I am. Hurting. Wishing. I know there's no point. She's happy with another guy. And if something should happen there, I couldn't go back with her. Not after this. Not after I let her know. Then I'm just a hanger on. I'm not an equal. I'm a play toy. But I would still do it.
Getting back to hapiness... I'm not happy. I'm usually not. But I deal with it. That's life. People who don't deal with shit like everyone else because they think they're so damn special and should get special unhappiness treatment piss me off. Get over yourself. Put your drugs down. Take that knife off your wrists. Shut your whinny mouth. You're no differant than the rest of us who aren't happy. Fuck off and deal with it. If we can do it, so you can you. You're not better or worse or special. Just deal.
I needed to get that out before tomorrow. I don't want to be down on such a special day for two special people who have found the happiness we all seek. They're happy, and in turn, that adds to my journey to be happy.
Good night.
Comments:
So was that 2nd last paragraph directed at anyone in particular kevin? I hope the day goes great, GIve Chris and meghan my best although i know you won't read this before you leave. Have fun this weekend.
Take care,
Shooter's Girl
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Take care,
Shooter's Girl
# posted by 
: August 20, 2004 8:09 AM
: August 20, 2004 8:09 AM