Kevin's Random Thoughts
State of the Nice Guys Union Address...We attract, or are attracted to, the wrong kind of girls. But you do not deserve us. And you know this. Show us respect. Do not use us as a temporary spot between badasses. Do not come to use after your last relationship just because we're different if you still love him and want to be with him again. Do not use us as a sexless entities unless you make it completely clear, stating it on every available occasion, so we always know and never forget.
We are not changing for you. You will of course claim you do not wish us to change, since we are ideally what you want. Do not insult our intelligence. Do not claim you want us when you know full well you do not. We are not changing for you, but we may become angry. Even bitter for a while. Know that, yes, it IS your fault. (see? I'm bitter right now!)
Never, NEVER, EEEEEEEVER give us the "you'll meet the right person speach". We know. Do not insult our intelligence. We are fully aware of the number of women we capable of having, and when it comes to purely sex, we might have no trouble at all, depending on how "not nice" we feel for that short period of time. We prefer to set a higher standard for ourselves. Often times, those who meet the standard do not like us for the right reasons. We do bring it on ourselves, but you should either know better or show us the same respect we have shown you.
I had more to say, but I'm tired of sounding pretencious. Point is, I had to watch Mike go through another shitty heartbreak because he's "too nice". Think about it. He has to be hurt because of a GOOD QUALITY. No one who hasn't date Mike ever said "Mike you need to be an asshole", so why would the girls who have dated him and broke his heart? It's ridiculous. And you know this.
As for me... well I'm an enigma, arn't I? Maybe I just posses the wrong qualities for everyone. I have that untrusting outter shell that causes me to come off as aroggant and sometimes mean. So no one ever sees a nice guy on first encounter. But for those who arn't looking for the nice guy might stick around and eventually crack that shell. But oh wait... under that shell is the nice guy. Damn. Goodbye.
Luckily, I have some charm. Charm can make people forget their preferance for nice or not nice, but only temporarily. This is why I claim that I will never sleep with someone who's known me for too long. Charm wears off and they see the qualities they don't want in me. If it wasn't for charm, I think the only person I would have slept with is Myah. That was alcohol.
Thank God for alcohol.
-Kevin, nice guy, finishing last since 1981
What the Hell is wrong with me...I can't get motivated to do anything. I can't get myself to go to class very often. I can't get myself to go to the gym. I can't get myself to wake up before noon. The only thing I can get myself to do is go to work, but how long will that last? I eventually couldn't get myself to go to work at Asurion.
I have zero motivation to do anything. I completely lack passion. I want so desperately to have a cause, a goal again. I want to be driven. Yet I'm not driven to be driven. Maybe I need a total change of everything in life. But I can't with school hanging over my head. Yet I can't get myself motivated to finish when I'm so damn close. I feel like I didn't come here to finish school, I came here to hide from the rest of the world.
But I don't want to hide. This is still Kevin. I want to have a good time. I love it when Tubb comes over to watch or talk wrestling. I love it when Randy, my boss, comes up with a reason for a BBQ and drinks. I love coming home and seeing everyone. There's even yet-another-girl who will end up breaking my heart. But I love making the effort anyway.
So it's not as if I've died inside and am waiting for the outside to catch up. I can enjoy myself when I'm with my friends and people I care about. But for the rest of life... there's nothing. I'm not living a full life. I want to have one. But I just can't find the motivation. And I don't know to find it either.
The Soundtrack of our lives...Music. It's amazing. Somehow these rhymical songs connect with a deep primitive part of our minds. It evoks emotions, thoughts, memories, and ideas. You don't need to be into music to be affected by it. It might be the most human art form. Not everyone is affected by paintings or film or pro wrestling, but everyone is affcted by at least a song or two.
I listen to music to reflect my mood. When I'm sad, I listen to sad music. The logic might be to listen to happy music to make me happy, but it doesn't work that way. When I'm down, I listen to down music. It's cathartic. It helps get the emotions past. When I feel out of place in the world, I listen to Miseria Catera by AFI and it reminds me of a great road trip with friends and the greatest wrestling show and match I have ever seen live. When I feel depressed about women, I play November Raid by Guns 'N Roses. It reminds me of cruising in Mike's car with Chris and Brent and everyone singing along. Or sometimes I'll just listen to Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi. It doesn't evoke any memories, but it can bring me to tears. Sometimes all it takes the length of a song to move past sadness. Sometimes it takes several days and many songs. But in the end that unexplainable hold music has on all people takes hold of me and takes me to a much better place.
Two Posts In One...As I posted earlier, I put my heart on the line too often. I've been burned many, many times in my life. Some range from a mild disappointment that lasts a few days to heart wrenching agony that utterly shatters any confidence I may have built up in myself. This is why one month I have no fear and the next I'll be too shy to move. I could rattle of dozens and dozens of names that have made or broken me over the years, but I only want to talk about a few recents ones. I won't, though. There are just things that as much as I want to say... I don't want the world at large to know. They may not want to have me talk about them in a public forum. They may not want to even read the truth on how I feel. I know I come off sounding creepy and pathetic anyway.
I'm ready for the heel turn, and I'm not talking about wrestling.
Small update...I might do a full update tomorrow to go into detail. I might not. We'll see how I feel then. Bottom line is right now I'm very upset. Someone who reads this blog is the cause, but it's not her fault. It's my own damn fault for once again sticking my damn heart where it doesn't belong. It happens too often. Too often for being the manwhore I supposedly am.
But the female perspective on me is pretty much accurate. I am a creepy guy. I am. I'm quiet and weird. I say strange things. I don't live up to your expectations of a "cool" guy. Sometimes I'm at a total loss for conversation. You better stay away from me. You never know with me. I might do something creepy like compliment you. Or worse! Like... like... uh... yeah exactly!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck the world right now. Except Randy (the non-super one) and Mike. Mike, be prepared for a bitchfest.
There's always someone else...Never has anyone ever looked upon me and saw everything they need in a person. Never has anyone ever seen me as their be all and end all. I'm always 'will do for now' or 'maybe but I don't think so'. There's always someone else they'd rather.
This goes back all my life. I can remember these instances back to high school. Every single time I put my heart of the line. Every. Single. Time. I have never been better than a current relationship (understandable). I have never been better than a previous relationship. I have beenbetter than a possible relationship. I have been better than an improbable fantasy. There's always someone else they'd rather.
I'm refering strictly to matters of the heart. Not sex. I have topped many in that respect. But in the end that doesn't matter. There's always someone else they'd rather.
This isn't limited to women. With guys, I have never been someone's best friend. I'm always a good friend or one of a few best friend. But I have never been someone's absolute best friend. No matter who might claim that title from me, I've never claimed it from them. There's always someone else they'd rather.
My legs hurt...I just think I should update the blog. But I have nothing negative to say. Things are going medium. Dad bailed me out of debt. I have a job now. School goes not good nor bad. I don't do anything exciting anymore (lack of funds) but I'm not depressed or bored because of it. I'm very strict on my diet and protein intake. I'm making slow progress in getting back into the gym. I have no woman, but am not heart broken over any. Although there is someone I must admit I do miss in that respect, I can deal and have my sights on someone very special. Probably won't go where I'd like, but it's definately worth a shot.
All in all... I am complacent. And really thirsty.
The All-Nathaly Super Post...Nathaly aka Moore's Chick
How I met her: Around September of this past year, Mike and I were doing our usual Saturday night thing at the O2. We were at the bar on the balcony when a train of girls walked by. We checked them out, per usual, but one of them caught our gaze and smiled. Mike recognized her as the girl who fitted us for our tuxes. I instantly jumped off my stool and went up to her, but had nothing to say. So I just asked if it was her. Then I made a sleazy joke about measuring my inseem. She walked on. Typical Kevin fare. So then Mike and I are looking over the dance floor when she comes by again. I give talking to her another shot. I have no idea what I said, but once I was done and turned back towards the floor, she apparently gave me a "look back" which Mike noticed. So he pushed me down the stairs after her to talk to her again. I showed her "my" ring and got her phone number and email.
Why I like her: She's beautiful, in and out. Outside, she's SMOKING hot. She was hot enough to enter the Coors Light Maxim model search. When she came out in a bikini I almost exploded. She's also the sweetest. She always takes a moment to talk at the bar, even if I'm so drunk I'm like a child or a retH^H^Hmetally challenged person. And she'll chat online and make me smile when feeling blue. I'm also pretty sure she's got one Hell of a wild streak underneath the cool outer shell. I'm dying to see that side in action someday... [Take that however you want ;)]
Something she doesn't know about me: I have pretty bad eyesight, making my distance vision very poor, especially in a dark bar. So everytime I'm at the O2 I have to ask Mike to find her on the dance floor for me so I can go talk to her. Then I memorize the color shirt she has on. The color shirt + the hair color help me find her. When she dyed her hair it really fucked me up and I could never recognize her.
So why don't I ask her out? I did once. The bitch turned me down! But that's fine. I get my heart broken on a daily basis these days ;) Seriously, though, she's a Helluva girl. Maybe someday she'll realize I'm a Helluva guy ;)
There ya go, Nat. A post dedicated to you. And a postive one for once.
I should be grateful...So my finances are sorted out again. But only thanks to my dad stepping in and paying off my credit card and a month's rent. I'm thankful for that. But I am so fucking pissed that I got into this situation. Pissed at my self. I'm not usually one for self pity. I usually try to blame my problems on other people, events, or governments. Not this time. I allowed myself to get in to a mess by one bad decision after another. I felt like I havn't made a good decision, in any aspect of my life, since I quit Asurion. Was I even that miserable there or just lazy?
My debt is wipped clean and I even have a job now. Doesn't pay much, but it seems like a pretty good job with some pretty good people. And white people in this job are apparentlty a minority. That's fine. I've had a number of friends over the years of different ethnic backgrounds, except Middle Easter/East Indian. I don't know if it's a cultural thing I don't get, or a subconscious prejudice on my part, but I've never been able to bond with people of that part of the world. Maybe it has to do with a total lack of a female presence in their circles.
I love women. There's no doubt about that.
I realised if I don't sleep with someone soon after meeting them, I never will. So if I've known someone for a long time, it ain't gonna happen. They know me too well. I say I make bad first impressions, but that's only sometimes and usually with guys. I can overwhelm a woman with charm before she gets a chance to known me and reaches the would never touch me stage.
I need this break from wrestling. I need to get my head into Fredericton and in to school. I made some messes in Moncton that might best be fixed by just getting away from it. And my back isn't getting better. Taking time off isn't helping it. Last night I got in a very mild wrestling match with just included be putting someone in a full nelson, they a sleeper while on their back. No bumps, and very little strain. Yet my back is killing me today. This is not a good sign.
I have strange turn ons and need to indulge them now.
March is as cold as January...I miss the temporary warm February brought.
I'm scared. I'm afraid to spend money. I have little left in my account. The rest of my loan to come in isn't even worth a month's rent. My rent check for March will bounce. If it wern't for a $50 certificate at Sobey's, I'd be afraid to go buy food. I don't want to pay my cell phone bill. I dread recieving my cable/Internet bill. I have an insanely high credit card bill to pay. I have too much pride to ask my parents for money. Especially after all the arguments with my father over it.
I wish I had never slept with Jenn. That's nothing against Jenn. I think she's an amazing girl: sweet, beautiful, and fun to be with. And it's not because of how everyone else reacted. Most people have gotten over it, and if they havn't, I don't feel they have much justification to be angry. No, the reason I regret it is the turmoil it's putting her through. I'm sure she'd be going through enough in her post-Jeremie time without me adding to it. And now I'm pretty sure she's even soured on me. That hurts. No matter what she wanted to do, I just wanted to respect it and try to be her friend. But I guess it's not working. I can't really blame her. It can be awkward being around people you've slept with. I just wish things could have worked out better. She's a great girl.
The real anwser was 11. But keep in mind that's since 1999. That averages less than two a year. And most were one to two times only. In fact, the only repeats were Jenn (2), Toby (2), Meaghan (3), and Myah (lost count, but maybe 12?). Add that up and it's maybe a 26 lifetime total! Over 6 years! That's just over 4 times a year. Now you tell me... How can anyone deserve this reputation I've somehow found myself with by having sex FOUR TIMES A YEAR? Think about it.
A Parable...Once upon a time, I had a thing for Kate. Kate, as in Meaghan's sister, Chris' sister-in-law, Mike's girlfriend. I met her in the summer of 2003 and wanted to hook up with her, but figured it wouldn't be such a good idea right after sleeping with her sister. A year later, basically at the wedding, the thought re-entered my mind. But I didn't know how to go about it with this girl. Then RAGE started at the O2. She came to the first show and loved it. I thought this my op. We hung out after the show at Wizeguy's and then Mike's. She also spent time talking to Mike, and at that point and only the point did Mike start to like her.
Two weeks later, after the second RAGE show, she invited Mike and I to go to Cosmo with her friend Toby. I went with the goal in mind to pick her up. So did Mike. I won't retell the humorous story of how it all happened, but the bottom line is Mike picked her up. And up until is saw them make out, I thought I was going to do it.
Was I disappointed? Of course. But she would have rather been with Mike that night. The deciding factor might have been as simple as him saying the right thing at the right time when I didn't. Or it could have been the fact that no matter what Kate and I thought of each other, I slept with her sister and it might have opened a huge can of worms. Either way, Mike didn't do anything wrong. He was just the better man that night. And now that he's still with her and very happy, I'm happy. And he's still one of my best friends. No woman was going to change that.
That's a shoot, brother.
