Kevin's Random Thoughts
"You are always on my mind"...
I don't want to be this way, but I can't help it.
I don't want to be a sweet dear to be pittied. I want to be the man who is respected. I don't to be a distant memory of passion. I want to be the reason for passion. I don't want to be fleeting thought. I want to be a constant dream.
I don't want to be this way, but I am.
Maybe it doesn't bother you. It bothers me. Maybe you like the idea of someone who feels this way. I want to move on. Maybe you want to see me happy with someone else. I think you do. Maybe you think I should just forget on move on. It's not that easy. Maybe you're tired of this. I would be too.
I don't want to be this way, but I hope you understand.
I need a drink.
Deep as a wadding pool...
I wanna do hot chicks.
I Havn't Had A Call In An Hour...
Needless to say, I'm bizzored.
I'm getting serious about writting a movie again. But I really have no idea what to write about. A previous blog entry has an idea I've been thinking about. A guy from a small town goes away to school for four years, and when he comes back, he has a hard time re-adjusting to small town life. His friends are the same, but he can't understand them anymore. His friends think he's turned into an ass. And worst of all, he didn't even graduate.
That's the one I have the most ideas for, but I have no desire to write it. I'm still trying to find an idea that I not only have a desire to write, but a passion to write. I don't want to write a movie about wrestling (even though I did write a short about a guy breaking into the business once). I want to think of an idea that I could actually shoot locally on a small budget if it was good enough. So that rules out my samurai version of The Good, The Bad, The Ugly. Probably the movie based on Hotel California as well.
Ugh... calls flooding in now. Post later.
Kevin Responds to Fan Mail...
Jen aka Shooter's Girl aka Dr Noonian Van Faulk - That comment wasn't aimed directly at you. It was aimed at a group of people who upset me. It just so happens you often get put in with that group. But you're better than that, and I don't want to see you lumped in with them.
Annonymous - You just better not be Bill.
I had an interesting dream last night. The whole thing took place in my house. I was dating this girl. Her name is unknown and she's no one I recognise. But she's hot. Being me, I'm very aloof to her and avoid anything serious. So as I'm sitting out on my deck, two men show up to each try and take her away. The first, a man from her past, is Angel Eyes for The Good, The Bad, The Ugly (guess what I watched before going to bed). The second is a man who just recently fell in love with her. He's the same age as Angel Eyes, a beard showing traces of gray, and passion in his eyes. So we sit around the table eyeing each other. When she walks into the room, I can tell I've already lost by the way she looks at them. I get mad and take off, looking for a drink. My drink of choice? Red wine. The entire wedding party is now at my house trying to calm me down. They tell me I should forget her and find someone else. They even mention I could pick up the hot bartender at the bar down the street with my smooth talking. (NOTE: There is no bar anywhere in my neighborhood). I got back in the room and make a plea. She asks each of us to say something to her to convince her who she should be with (ah.. ah... a little Shakespear here anyone?) The other two make passionate speaches about how much they love her. When it's my turn, I don't have the words, nor do I have the passion. I accept my defeat and leave. I never find out which of the other two she chooses. So I start getting drunk on the red wine down in my basement. And of all the people to watch out for me and calm me down, it's Roy. But then Amy Lamb gets everyone ready to go to the bar down the street. After some more little things that involve me drinking wine and breaking the bottles, I get ready to go... but I can't leave the house...
The dream then fades to Red Green eating penguins on a raft in the middle of the ocean.
I really liked that dream, even though in the end the good guy (me) loses. Maybe it's because even though I have more confidence in myself than I have in a long time, I feel like a dirty rotten bastard. Or maybe because I had a hot girlfriend, even for a short time.
I need a drink... red wine.
Another weakness...
The wedding was awesome. It was such an amazing day. I'll talk about it in detail some other time maybe. I have other matters on my mind.
Everyone has weaknesses. Some have more than one. I do. I've been very open in the past about my drinking getting out of control at times, and the things I say or do while drinking. And I'm far from being 'ok' even though I made it public I'm aware of the problem.
But I was another weakness that can potential get me into bigger trouble - women.
I know, I know. You say every man has a weakness for women. Sometimes we just can't help ourselves. My problem is I seriously cannot. If I find someone attractive, I cannot draw that line of what is acceptale or isn't, what is right or wrong.
I've come to realise I'm pretty damn charming (albeit sleazy when the first problem comes in to play), which isn't a problem at all. I guess the problem is the women I attract. I make a horrible first impression, if one at all. So for me to charm a total stranger is almost impossible. So I charm, without even trying, women I already know. Usually someone I felt no need to make an impression on at first. Usually someone I shouldn't.
And it's always innocent to start. But if things do no cease immediately, I continue. I know it's wrong. I know it's inappropriate. But, much like after the first drink, I can't stop. And it goes on and on until finally something is done or something is said that is just too far. And someone is hurt. And I feel guilty. But I do it again the very next time. I don't want to, but I do.
Last night is full of examples. No, I will not share them.
So boys, keep your wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters, and friends you really care about away from me. And you are right to warn them. Eventually, something will be done or something will be said. And everyone will end up in pain. If I don't trust me, you shouldn't either.
poop
Tomorrow is a big day...
Chris gets married tomorrow. I should be in bed getting sleep for the big day. I have to be alert when I park those cars and shakes those hands and stand there acting like I know what I'm doing. But I can't sleep. Not yet.
Chris is really happy. And I'm happy for him. It's no secret I was against his getting married. Not to Meaghan, but so soon. In my mind, I kept thinking they don't know each other and it won't work. And Chris would be left in shambles. And even though I would be there, I don't want to be. But I think that was needless worrying now. They just seem so happy.
Happiness is a funny thing. I do believe most everyone find happiness in one form or another. For some it does take longer than others. But it will happen. Unfortunately, most people go through a time or times of unhappiness before hand. A lot of my friends are going through such a time. It's probably an age thing. But they'll all find happiness. So will I. Eventually.
But I look back. Since the time that I lost my innocence (and by which I don't mean virginity, I mean when I realised what life is), I have only been truely happy in two brief periods. Of sure I have good times, but in the end I don't feel happy overall. Except for when: a) I was going though wrestling training for the first time, and b) the summer of 2003.
When I first started doing training, I believed in myself. I thought it was the first step to living my dream. I was focused, and so were all of my friends in training. We had a goal. It didn't really pan out for us, but I think the effort of trying to get there is worth not getting there. I was also doing well in school for the only semester in my four and half years there. I was pulling solid Bs in everything. And my time spent with my friends in Fredericton was great. Ken was an awesome room mate. Bill hadn't gone psycho yet. Eric didn't turn into an asshole yet. Jon and Brian were happy with their girlfriends at the time (Brian is still with his, bless 'em). And Hovey G was a stud. I remember when I thought I might leave school, Jon and Nicole got me a card wishing me luck and telling me they admired me for going after my dream. I still have that card somewhere.
The summer of 2003 was great, and I didn't even wrestle. After I got back from making that God aweful movie, I quit my landscaping job and worked at Butterfly World. I had zero stress there. I did whatever I felt like, and my boss thought I was a great employee. My coworkers were a blast. I was totally into watching The Boys play every Monday. And I had a lot of sex. I hate bringing it up, but first there was Meaghan. Then after her I spent time with Amanda. Nothing physical happened (not even a kiss) but she's my intellectual match. She was some I could actually be smart around. I didn't have to play the idiot like I do with most people. And then, I met Myah.
The biggest mistake of my life. Not getting together with her, mind you. Letting her go. I will never forgive myself. At the time, I was dumb enough to think my player lifestyle would extend beyond a few months. I encouraged her to not get attached and find someone else. If the event that she did, it would be no big deal. I'd find someone else. What a mistake. And it didn't even totally bother me right away. I had developped a lot of feelings for her once I moved back, and felt rejected when she started seeing Mark, but I let it go. After a few weeks, I realised I missed her, there were more feelings that I realised, and the thing with Mark was working out; she wasn't coming back. And it hurt.
It still hurts. I don't want to be this way. I hate guys who are idiots like this. But here I am. Hurting. Wishing. I know there's no point. She's happy with another guy. And if something should happen there, I couldn't go back with her. Not after this. Not after I let her know. Then I'm just a hanger on. I'm not an equal. I'm a play toy. But I would still do it.
Getting back to hapiness... I'm not happy. I'm usually not. But I deal with it. That's life. People who don't deal with shit like everyone else because they think they're so damn special and should get special unhappiness treatment piss me off. Get over yourself. Put your drugs down. Take that knife off your wrists. Shut your whinny mouth. You're no differant than the rest of us who aren't happy. Fuck off and deal with it. If we can do it, so you can you. You're not better or worse or special. Just deal.
I needed to get that out before tomorrow. I don't want to be down on such a special day for two special people who have found the happiness we all seek. They're happy, and in turn, that adds to my journey to be happy.
Good night.
Not a Haiku...
I'm stuck in a basement
Si'in' on a tricycle
Girl ge'in' on my nerves
I done thought she was fine
Musta been outta my mind
Don't know if her body is hers
Bored at work...
I have nothing specific to say. I'm just so bored I need to pass the time between calls, which are few and far between today.
So there's been someone on my mind a lot lately. Someone who should have on it a lot a while ago, but, because of my own ignorance and stupidity, wasn't. And now it's too late. But is it?
I havn't seen The Notebook, but apparently it's the guy from the past who wins in the end. And that's even with a really nice guy in the present. But I'm sure that movie sucks. Dracula tells me the guy from the past doesn't win. Even if he's lived hundred of years to be reunited, has kick ass powers, and is played by Gary Oldman. Ah well. I would have taken the redhead over Wynona Rider anyway.
Maybe I'm just being a big baby. Babies cry when other kids play with their toys, even when the toy isn't theirs anymore. I let the toy fall out of the crib, and now some other baby, who's probably not even as good at certain things, has the toy. I shouldn't be so upset. I only got the toy because it was drunk and fell into my crib. But, alas, I am. I'm only a human baby.
What happened to stud Kevin who didn't care about anything or anyone other than Alexander Keith and Captain Morgan? Yes, he did exist for a short period in 2003. We need to find him.
Anywho...
I can't wait to get in the ring with Tubb tomorrow. If he's wrestling anyone, it's me. I think everyone else wants to wrestle him too, though. He has fire. It's great wrestling a guy with fire since it picks you up if you're having a down match. That first blue thunder is gonna feel great.
No it isn't.
Top 3 guys Kevin likes wrestling:
1. No-longer Hardcore Henry
2. Derty Mikey Sixx
3. The Jamienator
Top 3 guys Kevin never wrestles but wants to:
1. Chanman
2. Still Shooter Andrews
3. the idiot who jumps off the top rop
Top 3 pro matches off the top of my head:
1. 06/09/95 - Mitsuharu Misawa & Kenta Kobashi vs Toshiaki Kawada & Akira Taue
2. 03/30/02 - Low Ki vs American Dragon
3. 08/04/96 - Ultimo Dragon vs Shinjiro Otani
3. 04/16/94 - Toshiaki Kawada vs Steve Williams
They're a tie. I havn't seen Dragon/Ohtani in a while now. It's beatirific, though.
It's lunch time. I'm done.
Keep on blogging in the free world.
Haiku of Moncton...
Call center lifestyle
Obesity takes over
Get off your damn ass
The movie in my head...
It's about a guy from a small town who goes away to school. He comes back 4 years later and all his old high school friends are happy to see him. He thinks he's the same guy he always was, but his old friends have changed. They think he changed. And what bugs him most of all is everyone keeps asking what degree he got, and he didn't even finish school.
I havn't thought about it a whole lot more than that. The only supporting characters I've got so far as Lutes & Johnny. I have to put them (as characters, not actors) in a movie some day. Those guys are gold. Two hicks who drive around in a beat up pickup truck all day drinking. One's a tall, skinny loudmouth who talks about fights he's never had, and the other is a little ugly guy who never says anything other than 'yep'.
That means the movie would have to be a comedy, but I don't write comedy well. What I find funny are very, very subtle jokes... or people getting hit in the head. I since I prefer movies with a good story and interesting characters, that's how I would try to write it.
Current mood: sleepy
Current song in my head: The Air That I Breath (damnit)
Drivel...
Posting for the sake of posting. Work is irritating me today. Maybe it's just hot in here. That's still irritating.
I remember when everyone wanted Tubb to do a shootfighter gimmick. I never understood that. Just because he's a shoot mark doesn't mean he should do it as a gimmick. He's a natural born power man.
I'd like to do the shooter gimmick, but I can't. Someone won't give up his nickname (that I gave him) despite the fact he does nothing shoot-like. I can do the shooty stuff. I can even do it without actually shooting! It'd be great. Ok, I'm just tired of what I've been doing. Without the owner gimmick I've had since DAY ONE of my time wrestling, I'm just a generic babyface. I could probably out-heel the majority of the RAGE roster, but everyone else wants to be a heel, so I won't ask. But I need to do something different as a face. Making people tap to cross armbreakers would do it ;)
Hey wow. I'm finally posting about wrestling on my bloggg. Neat.
I've been thinking about going back to school a lot. It wouldn't be anytime soon, but I would like to go back to UNB and just finish a degree. Any degree. Even having an arts degree with no major is worth more than the nothing I have now. Not a lot more, but some. I just hope I won't crack under the pressure again.
David Bowie rocks.
Sincerly,
"Shooter" Kevin Tyler
