Self Pity...I've have never said this before, but right now I feel it. I hate myself.
I fucking hate myself. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror. Thinking about myself makes me angry and disgusted. Yet I can't stop it. Mainly because I have to. I have to deal with the decisions and choices I have made. I have to deal with who I am and my inability to change myself. I have to deal with the fact I've ruined my own life. I have nothing becaue of my self. I am in the situation I am in because of my self. I hate myself because of my self.
I am lazy and irresponsible. So what, right? So is everyone. I am lazy and irresponsible to the point where it affects every aspect of my life. Financially, professionally, socially. Worst of all is I'm fully aware of these faults. I am fully aware of them yet totally unable (maybe unwilling) to change. It sickens me. I want to better myself. I know how to go about doing it. I just don't. I just can't make myself do it. The equivalent of someone losing use of their arm. They know how to move the arm but it just doesn't move. It's frustrating. It's infuriating. It's disgusting.
I want this life to end. I don't want to die, I just want to get away from everything. Right now I am willing to sacrafice everything, EVERYTHING - friends, family, comforts - all of it, if I could just start over and never have to deal with this life again. Maybe that is death. But there's no garuntee of second chances in death.
And if I did get a second chance I would just fuck it up like I've fucked up this life.
This is why I hate myself.
